The office bathrooms are equipped with over excited automatic flushers. I hate automatic flushers for several reasons. First and foremost, when you are mid-business, the back splash is disgusting. Poop particles being sprayed up all your bits is too much to bare. I also miss the opportunity to admire my handy work when the automatic flusher goes off the second you sit up or adjust your weight. One of my biggest regrets in life is pooping a perfect question mark, with dot and all, and not being able to capture an image before the damn automatic flusher took it down.
Anyways, on this day I was enjoying my mid-morning relief, and there was some resistance, so I shifted my weight to get better leverage and the damn flusher went off. I raised my booty off the seat to avoid the splash. Relieved I had avoided that nastiness, I sat back down on the seat. When I was finished, I stood up and to my horror realized there was poop EVERYWHERE–all over the seat, all over the back of my leg, all over the OUTSIDE of my pants. Terror ensued as I quickly tried to clean the seat and my legs off before anyone walked in. Multiple handfuls of toilet paper later, I ran to the sink to try to get the poop off the outside of my pants. How the hell did this happen!? I did my best to clean the mess, but the smell was still pungent, even after direct application of soap, lotion, and air freshener (yes, this is a full service office bathroom). I had done my best, and hoped to hide the rest of the afternoon in my office. That lasted about an hour until my boss called me into his office. This seriously happens once a month. I casually walk in with a pad of paper covering my backside, I stand the entire 30 minutes, with my back to the wall, and am pleading in my head for the smell not to be as foul to him, as it is to me. Thankfully, I don’t think he noticed or if he did he was polite enough not to say anything. This isn’t supposed to happen when you’re an adult…what the f.